Mean Girls

“Some people wont get it- especially men… but 11 year old girls can be the most evil creatures on earth.  You can’t imagine what kind of bullying happened every day at my 6th grade lunch table.
“There was one girl who sat at the end, and every day during lunch the group of mean girls pushed their garbage at her. She was forced to throw it all out herself or the whole table would have gotten in trouble and in that event the mean girls threatened to beat her up. Eventually we all pushed our garbage at her, terrified of becoming the victim ourselves. When the mean girls called her the ‘garbage girl’, those of us who really felt bad didn’t say a word.”

Mean girls can be just as cruel as any boy bully.

Relational aggression (sometimes called Social Aggression) is a form of covert bullying that employs social manipulation.  The aggressor deviously uses other people to injure the targeted person.  When it comes to bullying, girls are sophisticated, subtle, deceptive and vicious.

Even pre-teen girls often use the following strategies:

• Saying nasty things- (“bitching” about the target).  This includes telling secrets, spreading rumors, using hurtful nicknames to refer to the target.
• Exclusion- everything from “you cant sit at our table” to school wide ostracism.
• Non-Verbal behaviors such as staring, obvious whispering, obscene gestures, eye-rolling, back-turning, and huddling / spreading out and other blocking activities.
• Electronic Harassment.  In the old days, it used to be passing notes.  Now, bullying follows a kid every where via phone calls, text messages, emails, social media etc.

Relational aggression is every bit as painful and damaging as physical assault; victims feel isolated, rejected, shamed, and depressed.  This kind of emotional battering can devastate a targeted child- several suicides have been directly linked to peer abuse.

Why Do Girls Bully?
In my experience, girls engage in social cruelty for two main reasons.

Group Dynamics (Status, Belonging, Friendship, Peer Pressure): Every human community forms social hierarchies, with the most popular wielding the most power, and those in the lower strata trying to climb higher (this is especially true with kids who are simultaneously forming a self-identity). It doesn’t sound very nice, but most people will sell out their best friend in a heart beat if it would buy them membership into the “cool” club.  Gossip is an important part of bonding and standing against the group (especially in defense of a less popular peer) is social suicide.

Fun/Excitement: Girls love drama. Any girl can be part of the ‘big story’ by spreading it around or embellishing it. Drama stirs things up, breaks the boredom, inflames the emotions.  So a lot of girls will play their part just because its something to do.

The Wrong Way To Stop Girl Bullies
Here’s a look at the conventional wisdom- and why its totally wrong.
Zero Tolerance- More accurately described as “Zero Intelligence” or “Zero Discretion”.  These policies, which have the unpleasant aroma of fascism, cause more far more problems than they solve.*
School Anti-Bullying Programs: A total sham.  Every meta study done on the subject reaches the same conclusion- anti-bullying programs produce little discernible effect on youth participants. Even if teachers were inclined were so inclined, they have no training to be classroom cops or social engineers.  In reality, attempts at enforcement intensify  covert bullying and drive it further underground.
Mediation: This is a good tool for participants who can meet on equal footing and are open to working out a disagreement.  Since bullies are more powerful (physically or socially), no meaningful negotiation can occur.

The solutions to bullying and peer abuse are elusive- but the same old approach is clearly NOT the answer.